Armed and possibly dangerous.

It's been awhile since my last post, which was a rather emo one. My little booger has just gone down for a nap, so I thought I'd write a post. Between Ellie, Rei, friends and family, I'm keeping busy, which is a good thing. It's nice to have other things to think about.

This month I'm trying some new things to help speed things along (no, pervs, I don't mean in the bedroom). I've gotten two ovulation testers, one for saliva and one for urine (oh come on, would "pee" really have sounded any nicer?), nothing exciting with either of those yet. Even knowing that I am actually ovulating would be nice at this point.
My best friend also got me an angel made out of rose quartz for my necklace. Rose quartz is supposed to aid in fertility. I'm a bit of a believer in crystals and those sorts of things, so I love it. It's a pretty little charm regardless.

If none of the above help me out, and we are not successful again this month, then I think it's time to go back to my doctor. I'm not very keen on IVF, but there are a lot of options to come before we have to think about that, and I think it's time we started considering some of them.

I'm also thinking about looking into some Chinese medicine. It can't hurt to try. Well, I guess the acupuncture side could hurt a little.

I'm also realising that I do have a ways to go before it's time to really hit the panic button. A lovely friend of mine is having a lot more trouble than me, for entirely different reasons, and hearing her story the other day just broke my heart. I really pray that they will be successful soon.

I guess what I'm saying is that sometimes some perspective is a good thing. In the scheme of things, it could be far worse for Rei and I. I just have to keep on keeping on and hope that we get somewhere soon.

I'm loving all your feedback, guys. Thank you so much. Please keep it coming.

Feeling rather flat

All of a sudden I'm having one of those nights. I feel miserable. I don't even know where it's come from, but I hate it. I actually went out for a couple of our close friends birthday tonight, had a rather nice night. Now I feel like I've been hit by a ton of bricks.

I think a nice, long walk is in order tomorrow. My exercise has gone out the window in the last week, and that's not good. The scales have gone back to not moving. I feel like quitting and burying my head in the sand.
Stupid body, why do you have to be so stupid? Stupid ovaries.
Fuck PCOS!

My sense of humor

You may have noticed, especially if you know me in person, that I tend to laugh a lot, and make a joke of most things. I very rarely take things seriously, and often have trouble taking things seriously that I really should. My nickname was Lawlz a long time before I had a WoW character of the same name.

My PCOS is no exception. I make jokes about it. Rei and I talk about Ellie being an only child and growing up thinking she's a rabbit. I talk openly about my failboat ovaries like they're a living, evil entity that are plotting my demise. In my head they actually look a bit like Darth Sidious.

That's not to say I don't cry, or get upset about things. Ohhh Lord, do I cry. My poor, long suffering husband gets to see this very pretty side of me. I am the ugliest crier on the planet. And probably most other planets. Some people look okay when they cry, but I don't. At all.
In a way I think that my sense of humor has become a bit of a coping mechanism in all walks of my life. I was a very serious kid, I didn't know how to take a joke, or handle fun being poked at me. I took things rather personally, and generally felt I was a bit of a loser. In my early 20's I took a deep breath and decided that it was time to stop being such an uptight douchebag, and I let go. I let myself laugh at myself, I taught myself to be more forgiving of myself, and I started to smile more. I stopped taking life so seriously. And it was beautiful. It was like being free of something that held me back for a long time.

These days I find it much easier to laugh than to cry. It's easier to look for some humor in any situation than it is to look at the bad stuff. 

Sometimes it's actually a bad thing, because at times I find that it actually prevents me from feeling things to their full extent. And eventually, when all the emotion catches up with me, I become a puddle of sad on the floor.

To take what is happening with my body at the moment as a bit of a bad joke actually helps me to get by and keeps the smile on my face. Not to mention all the wonderful people in my life that help me to laugh every single day. I've been very blessed in that respect.

A very sincere thank you

Yesterday I made this blog known on my Facebook for the first time. To be honest I was a little apprehensive about it, not really sure how others might react. I like to be the good friend, the unwhiney, uncomplicated friend.
I was honestly blown away by all of your comments on Facebook and all the messages of support, advice and the rousing cry of "FUCK PCOS" that went through the masses. I never expected such a huge reaction. I am flattered, really flattered. Thank you all so much. I'll never be able to tell you what it means to know that so many of you have been here, are still here, or are just so supportive of my journey through this. I love you all.

One of my favourite responses actually came from one of my best friends, Buzz. He and I have been friends for around 10 years now, although we have never actually met in person. We met via Yahoo Chat (remember when that was cool, kids?) back in the day, and have been talking ever since.
He did his bi-yearly gush about how much he loves Rei, Ellie (Purtader) and I, and how he hopes things happen for us soon.. So at that point I had eyes full of tears at the sweetness of it all. Then he said this:

 I won't lie though. Your blog had me freaked out for a bit. I became convinced I had it too. I had all the symptoms. Anxiety, depression. Baldness and overweight. triple check on the Hirsutism part, I'm glad to know there's a name for what I had (I just had been referring to it as excess manliness). My periods are wildly irregular.

Yup. That's a loving friendship. Thank you Buzz. Although you are a giant douchebag, we do love you too.

I hope that you all do continue to enjoy reading what I have to say. I'd love to continue to hear your stories too, so please, keep the responses coming.
To those of you who have inboxed me and haven't recieved a response yet, I am getting around to it. I promise I have read everything, I just have a house that looks like a bomb has hit it, and a 1 year old, who is the bomb that hit my house.
Thank you all again, and much love to each and every one of you!

EDIT: I just had a thought as I was merrily vacuuming the living room (shhh, pretending I enjoy housework sometimes helps). To my pregnant friends: PLEASE don't think that talking about your pregnancies is upsetting to me. I am so happy for you guys! I may honestly have moments where I feel a little twinge of jealousy, but I am able to swallow that down easily as you guys deserve every bit of happiness, and I truly am happy for you.

Support, lack of sleep and 4kgs down.

I was talking to a friend yesterday about my support networks. Without going into too much detail, my Mother has a lot on her plate at the moment, so I'm feeling a little out in the cold from that aspect. But then again, my Mother isn't exactly the squishy, loving type anyway. I am lucky to have an amazing husband (who is very supportive, even when I'm talking about cervical mucous and LH surges), some friends and one family member in particular that are great to talk to about my issues, no matter if it's about this, or anything else that's going on in my life. I also made friends with a wonderful bunch of women via the Huggies website while I was pregnant and we've since moved our conversations to a group on Facebook. 
I tend to withdraw when things get me down. I don't like to burden anyone with things that are bothering me. This has actually cost me a few friendships in the past, because frankly I'm not really sure HOW to talk about things that are upsetting me, and I really hate getting upset in front of people. I find it hard to talk to my best friend about things. I really need to start working on that side of me.

I also really need to start sleeping at a decent hour. Last night I was feeling really sick after too many coffees, so had planned to go to bed really early and wake up feeling nice and refreshed. But in true Lauren style, I was still sitting on the computer at 11pm (buying tickets for Kate and I to go see Magic Mike on a Mum's night out, among other things). The problem is that when we get Ellie into bed I tend to get a bit excited about "me time", although "me time usually includes laundry, house tidying and animal wrangling. One day I'd just like to sit in my house, alone, with it all clean and nothing to do. Haha, fat chance of that in the next 20 years!

My weight loss is also still falling, which is wonderful, especially considering my exercise has been less than admirable in the the passed week. I'm currently 4kgs down and very excited about that. Only a million more to go! What? I'm not prone to exaggeration at all!