Pregnancy tests

I thought for sure that we would have a baby last Christmas. It seemed only natural. When that didn't happen I KNEW we'd have our second bub by this year.

The test I took this morning suggests otherwise.

In 22 months (and about to welcome in my 23rd with a bottle of wine and a metric tonne of chocolate), I would guesstimate that I have taken over 100 pregnancy tests. 

"But why would you do that?!" I hear you cry. "Surely one a month is enough!"

You'd think that. I mean, that would make sense! You miss a period, you test. That does seem to equal one test a month.

But here's the thing, around five days into your two week wait, you feel the itch to test. Your boobs feel sorer, you're bloated, you've peed slightly more than usual, you ate a tub of ice cream and that was clearly a craving. 

So you test.

It's negative.

Ahhh, but it's only negative because you tested too early! Of course. Just test again in a few days!

So starts the cycle. You spend time squinting at pregnancy tests. You try every type of light available to you. You pull tests apart to get a better look at them. You use a magnifying glass, a microscope, The Hubble Telescope. There must be a positive there. Find it, find it!

And then, at the very end of your cycle, you take a test and the side that should have a nice pink line, the side you've been convincing yourself for the last week and a half DOES have a nice pink line, is as white as can be. It couldn't look more negative. And it breaks your heart into a million pieces.

And so you tell yourself that you won't do that to yourself again. No more! One test next month. Maybe even a digital one so that you don't have to squint at lines.

This is every month. Every. Single. Month.

I would confidently say we have spent over $700 in pregnancy tests in just shy of two years.

$700

How is that remotely normal for a person to do?

But I know how, it's because I have hope. As much as I will tell you that I'm starting to give up on the whole idea, the way I use pregnancy tests tells me that maybe I haven't. There is a part of me, deep down, that still believes this could happen for us. 

That's $700 worth of hope, ladies and gentlemen. And at the end of another month I'd rather have $700 in wine and chocolate.