The beginning of 2013

I have written this post over and over in my head over the last three weeks. The subject matter has changed dramatically in this time, but I've decided that now is the time to sit down and write. Maybe at the end of it I will find that there is a little more room in my heart and head.
The last time I posted it was about waiting for an appointment to have a D&C done. Eventually the hospital got back to me and an appointment was made for January 25th. Feeling like at least something was happening in the matter of fixing my lady parts, I went on with my life quite happily.
On January 16th my wonderful husband and took a three hour trip to Warrnambool to see the Invasion Exhibition (basically an exhibition of props and such from sci-fi shows and movies). I felt off the whole day. Woozy and sick, especially in the car, which is odd for me. On the way home we discussed grabbing a pregnancy test. I'd planned to do one "just in case" before I had my D&C done anyway, so we figured that 9 days early wouldn't hurt.
We got home, ate some dinner, then I headed to the bathroom with Ellie in tow (because apparently solo bathroom privileges have been revoked since Ellie started walking) to pee on a stick.
It was positive.
In complete disbelief I sent Rei to the chemist to grab a digital test as I've heard they're more accurate. I sat at home drinking copious amounts of water and laughing the whole thing off as it couldn't possibly be right.
The second test was positive too.
We cried with happiness. We sent texts to our closest friend and called our parents. Rei got excited at the prospect of a new pram.
I saw my doctor on the Friday, who was also happy with our news. She sent off referrals and gave me the usual tonne of reading material. She also wrote up a referral for a dating scan, which I took home and made the next available appointment for. It wasn't til the 31st, but it would do just fine.
Pregnant! I could hardly believe it! In fact, I was really feeling unsure about the whole thing. I started to worry at every little twinge, every ache. I was sure something wasn't right, but we both just figured it was nerves. After all, we'd waited so long for this!
On January 22nd we had a funeral to go to. At the end of the day I mentioned to Rei that I hadn't felt much of anything pregnancy wise all day, and in fact I didn't really feel pregnant anymore. We both figured it was just the emotion and busyness of the day.
Then the next day I felt the same.
And the next day.
By the time the 31st rolled around I was a nervous wreck. I sat in the waiting room of the scanning suites and felt sick to my stomach. Just before they called us in I heard a random voice in my head say "Everything is okay", I took that as a sign that I was definitely pregnant, and for the first time in over a week I felt at ease.
I had the same sonographer that I had previously when my ovaries were last checked. A lovely lady, very professional. First she checked my ovaries and then went on to scan my uterus. She was quiet for a minute or so and then said, "I can't find a pregnancy". She kept scanning, checking my tubes for ectopic, checking everywhere.
Nothing.
She asked the nurse to come and check with my doctor about the blood results from the test I had a week before, then they took us into a little room to wait. Maybe some of you have been in a room like it before - tiny, with a couch, tissues, dimmed lighting and a generic picture on the wall. Ours had a fake plant too. The sort of room they don't put you in to tell you good news. Rei was oblivious to all of this, and then I started to cry. I told him what this room was for, and that I hated the stupid fake plant. I apologised for having such a stupid body.
The sonographer came in after about 15 minutes and told me that my doctor had never received any results (apparently they were lost, but we found that out later). She gave me a pathology slip and asked me to go and have some bloods done and she would speak to my doctor about having repeat bloods 48 hours after to check if my hCG levels were doubling as they should be. She assured me that it could just be very early in the pregnancy, and that if they needed to get me in for a scan ASAP she would squeeze me in.
We paid for the scan. Went to have blood drawn. And then went home.
The following day my doctor called. My hCG was at 26. I was pregnant, but they were very low and it was likely that I had miscarried. I went and picked up another path slip for Friday feeling broken hearted. I spent some time playing Dr. Google and found nothing that gave me confidence.
Friday was Rei's birthday. I had my blood taken, but other than that we just enjoyed the day and evening together. I went to a dear friends hens party that night and feeling really tired and awful with lots of cramping.
Saturday marked one year since Rei and I started trying to conceive. Saturday I started bleeding. Rei was away at a bucks party, and I decided there was no point in calling him home. Instead I curled up in a ball on the lounge when Ellie went down for a nap and stared blankly at the wall wondering why this was happening.
A miscarriage was confirmed on Monday, albeit an early miscarriage, but still a lost pregnancy.
I'd like to say that I've since had some wonderful epiphany about it all, but the truth is I'm just cruising through the days at the moment, trying to hold it together. I'm very, very tired, mentally and physically.
I'm back at square one now. We're seeing my doctor on Friday to arrange another D&C. We do have hope that the D&C will finally sort things out and we will get another miracle in the next few months. There's really not much else that we can do.