Pregnancy tests

I thought for sure that we would have a baby last Christmas. It seemed only natural. When that didn't happen I KNEW we'd have our second bub by this year.

The test I took this morning suggests otherwise.

In 22 months (and about to welcome in my 23rd with a bottle of wine and a metric tonne of chocolate), I would guesstimate that I have taken over 100 pregnancy tests. 

"But why would you do that?!" I hear you cry. "Surely one a month is enough!"

You'd think that. I mean, that would make sense! You miss a period, you test. That does seem to equal one test a month.

But here's the thing, around five days into your two week wait, you feel the itch to test. Your boobs feel sorer, you're bloated, you've peed slightly more than usual, you ate a tub of ice cream and that was clearly a craving. 

So you test.

It's negative.

Ahhh, but it's only negative because you tested too early! Of course. Just test again in a few days!

So starts the cycle. You spend time squinting at pregnancy tests. You try every type of light available to you. You pull tests apart to get a better look at them. You use a magnifying glass, a microscope, The Hubble Telescope. There must be a positive there. Find it, find it!

And then, at the very end of your cycle, you take a test and the side that should have a nice pink line, the side you've been convincing yourself for the last week and a half DOES have a nice pink line, is as white as can be. It couldn't look more negative. And it breaks your heart into a million pieces.

And so you tell yourself that you won't do that to yourself again. No more! One test next month. Maybe even a digital one so that you don't have to squint at lines.

This is every month. Every. Single. Month.

I would confidently say we have spent over $700 in pregnancy tests in just shy of two years.

$700

How is that remotely normal for a person to do?

But I know how, it's because I have hope. As much as I will tell you that I'm starting to give up on the whole idea, the way I use pregnancy tests tells me that maybe I haven't. There is a part of me, deep down, that still believes this could happen for us. 

That's $700 worth of hope, ladies and gentlemen. And at the end of another month I'd rather have $700 in wine and chocolate.

The verdict

I'll be glad when this week is over, I feel like it's lobbing things at me left, right and centre.
Monday I went for the blood tests that my doctor had ordered. My Dad likes to call Dorevitch "The Vampires", and after Monday's effort I'm tending to agree with him. They took so much blood I half expected to hear the slurping noise like you get when trying to drink the last of a milkshake with a straw.
Tuesday was my scan. An internal one, which is always just lovely, nothing like a camera up the vajutz.
Then yesterday I went to my doctor for the results of both. Apparently my bloods are very good as far as general health goes, but my hormones were "funky", and showed that I haven't ovulated this month. The scan showed a thicker than usual endometrial lining, as well as some growths that are most likely polyps. My ovaries also have more cysts than they did in February.
I've been referred to my local hospital to have a curette ASAP, which will happen hopefully by the end of the year. So until then, no babies for us.
I guess once I've had the curette done, I'll address the fact that I'm not ovulating properly/at all.
I won't lie, I'm a bit scared. I don't like things being wrong with me, let alone with my girly bits. And then I worry that it's more than something simple, and the big C word floats around my head.
I think if I manage to have another baby, I might just get a full hysterectomy. Seems easier than dealing with all of this!

Feeling rather flat

All of a sudden I'm having one of those nights. I feel miserable. I don't even know where it's come from, but I hate it. I actually went out for a couple of our close friends birthday tonight, had a rather nice night. Now I feel like I've been hit by a ton of bricks.

I think a nice, long walk is in order tomorrow. My exercise has gone out the window in the last week, and that's not good. The scales have gone back to not moving. I feel like quitting and burying my head in the sand.
Stupid body, why do you have to be so stupid? Stupid ovaries.
Fuck PCOS!

A very sincere thank you

Yesterday I made this blog known on my Facebook for the first time. To be honest I was a little apprehensive about it, not really sure how others might react. I like to be the good friend, the unwhiney, uncomplicated friend.
I was honestly blown away by all of your comments on Facebook and all the messages of support, advice and the rousing cry of "FUCK PCOS" that went through the masses. I never expected such a huge reaction. I am flattered, really flattered. Thank you all so much. I'll never be able to tell you what it means to know that so many of you have been here, are still here, or are just so supportive of my journey through this. I love you all.

One of my favourite responses actually came from one of my best friends, Buzz. He and I have been friends for around 10 years now, although we have never actually met in person. We met via Yahoo Chat (remember when that was cool, kids?) back in the day, and have been talking ever since.
He did his bi-yearly gush about how much he loves Rei, Ellie (Purtader) and I, and how he hopes things happen for us soon.. So at that point I had eyes full of tears at the sweetness of it all. Then he said this:

 I won't lie though. Your blog had me freaked out for a bit. I became convinced I had it too. I had all the symptoms. Anxiety, depression. Baldness and overweight. triple check on the Hirsutism part, I'm glad to know there's a name for what I had (I just had been referring to it as excess manliness). My periods are wildly irregular.

Yup. That's a loving friendship. Thank you Buzz. Although you are a giant douchebag, we do love you too.

I hope that you all do continue to enjoy reading what I have to say. I'd love to continue to hear your stories too, so please, keep the responses coming.
To those of you who have inboxed me and haven't recieved a response yet, I am getting around to it. I promise I have read everything, I just have a house that looks like a bomb has hit it, and a 1 year old, who is the bomb that hit my house.
Thank you all again, and much love to each and every one of you!

EDIT: I just had a thought as I was merrily vacuuming the living room (shhh, pretending I enjoy housework sometimes helps). To my pregnant friends: PLEASE don't think that talking about your pregnancies is upsetting to me. I am so happy for you guys! I may honestly have moments where I feel a little twinge of jealousy, but I am able to swallow that down easily as you guys deserve every bit of happiness, and I truly am happy for you.

Who I am and why I'm invading your internet

So most blogs start out having a point, a general reason as to why someone started using it. My story is this:

I'm Lauren, I'm a 29 year old Mama of one beautiful girl, happily married to a wonderful man and living in Melbourne Australia.

Us with our Ellie Jade on her 1st birthday

My aim in creating this blog is partly for my own outlet, and partly to try to make the readers more aware of PCOS and how it can affect lives, and also to hopefully meet some others in my position that need support and someone to chat to about their issues too. I also want to share my journey in trying to get pregnant with PCOS. While I realise that it's early days for us yet, being only six months in, it can also be very lonely. I get met with a lot of "You have to give it some time" and "Don't be so dramatic about this!", when sometimes I just need to hear a "That sucks! Fuck PCOS!". Ideally followed by offers of wine and Chocolate.
Selfishly, it's hard seeing other people fall pregnant at the drop of a hat, and seemingly not appreciating how lucky they are. While it isn't my place to judge some situations, or as horrible as it may be for me to be jealous, I just sometimes am. And sometimes I get bitter. Yup.
As far as other vents go; I have struggled with the symptoms of PCOS even before I knew I had it, most specifically with my weight and body image. It's hard to get your head around eating right, exercising and getting nowhere with weight loss. I can't actually remember a time I looked in the mirror and was happy with what I saw. But then again that seems to be another disease that most women have, so I guess I'm not alone on that one!

More about me:

Currently I'm a stay at home Mum. Before my daughter I worked as an Animal Attendant at a vet clinic. I love animals and I'm very passionate about animal welfare issues. I'm particularly fond of rabbits, and we share our house with three completely litter trained house rabbits, as well as two cats, a Newfoundland and some fish.

I am rather geeky. I love video games, science and math humor and reading, although I rarely get the time for any of the above these days. I'm also weirdly fond of all things zombie.

I come equipped with a pretty broad sense of humor and I'm very fluent in sarcasm. I'm grateful for my sense of humor, it gets me by a lot of the time. 

As much as I may complain here, I do have a wonderful support network in my awesome husband and a very loved group of friends and family, who I would do anything for. I'm not a gushy sort of person, but I do try to let them know how loved and appreciated they are as often as I feel comfortable doing so. I guess I can be a bit reserved in that way.

The rest of me is a pretty open book though, as I'm sure you will find out if you follow this blog. I swear entirely too much, I love to bake, I'm generally weird, I laugh a lot.

And I think that's about it.

I do hope you enjoy reading my ramblings.